Long ques, but I'm troubled?

Ummmm....wow. It sounds to me like you have had a very hard life emotionally and have had really terrible luck in your choice of men. Your best bet for gaining control of your life is to identify what it is that you are most talented and love to do and put your energy into that thing, whatever it is. Use your strengths to excel in your job or school or whatever. Be the best around at this thing and maybe in the process you will attract the attention of a guy that has similar interests and he will be worthy of you for a change. Good luck!